Post by cutman99 on Oct 7, 2008 0:11:52 GMT 1
Alien and PredatorDisclaimer: Alien and Predator are both property of 20th century fox, All Fire emblem and Mother/Earthbound characters owned by Nintendo, All Naruto characters owned by Shonen Jump, I own you all!!! &
By: cutman99
Prologue:
After a long, arduous movie career, an exhausted Alien/Xenomorph decides it’s time to take a break from all the hustle and bustle and chaos of showbiz, and goes back to his Hollywood apartment to settle down until A.V.P. 3 Starts shooting, but he’s about find a surprise waiting in his apartment. Thus begins our story…
1
Beer Interrogation
Alien: *Sniff* *sigh* It’s good to be back! (Walks to apartment door) (Opens door) Man how I missed this—
Unknown voice: Hey roomy!
Alien: Predator? What the hell are you doing here?
Predator: I live here!
Alien: No… I live here.
Predator: Oh yeah! You live here too.
Alien: What do you mean “too”?
Predator: *laughs* Nice one roomy!
Alien: Roomy?
Predator: Yeah! You know… as in roommates!
Alien: Room…mates… with you… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Predator: Anyways glad you’re here I have sort of an egg problem in the basement.
Alien: You stay away from my family/security system!
Predator: Dude! Chill!
Alien: The only way I’ll “chill” is if you leave right now!
Predator: Listen dude I’m staying like or not.
Alien: Oh no you’re—
Predator: (points shoulder cannon at alien) LIKE IT OR NOT!!!
Alien: Ooh… Forgot you had that. Fine!
Predator: Yes! This calls for a beer!
Alien: Don’t you touch my beer horde!
Predator: (Turns head) Beer horde?
Alien: Oh, Damn it.
Predator: (lunges at alien) WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS YOUR BEER STASH? TELL ME!!!
Alien: Screw you Jackass!
Predator: What did you say? What did you just say? (Takes out claws)
Alien: Oh you got to be kidding…
Predator: Talk! (Stabs alien)
Alien: AAAAAAAAAGH!!! It’s in the fridge in the bottom drawer on the left.
Predator: I said talk damn you! (Stabs Alien again)
Alien: AAAAAAAAGH!!! I told you everything!
Predator: Not good enough! Where is the damn stash? (Stabs alien again)
5 hours later…
Predator: (keeps punching wall) Talk!
Alien: (walks behind predator) I’m back from the bathroom. So, have I cracked yet?
Predator: (turns to alien) Not yet, but I’ve got you on the ropes. (Turns back to wall) Talk! (Punches wall)
Alien: Yeah good luck with that. You want a beer?
Predator: Nah! I’m okay. Talk! WHERE’S THE BEER STASH? (Blows hole in wall)
2
The Offer that wouldn’t die
Predator: Just some finishing touches, (Hangs up spear) and my room decorating is done!
Alien: Are you done?
Predator: Yep! What do you think?
Alien: Uh… (Looks at skull collection) Hey come and check out my room!
Predator: Okay!
Alien: (Opens door) Here we are.
Predator: Yikes!
Alien: What do you think too much ooze?
Predator: Hmmmmm… well the wall is definitely covered nicely, but the floor is a bit sticky.
Alien: Okay I’ll work on that.
*knock* *knock* *knock*
Predator: I’ll get it. (opens door) can I help you.
Man: Hello sir or madam I’m going door to door selling—
Predator: Weapons?
Man: No but—
Predator: Not interested! (Tries to close door)
Man: (blocks door with foot) Wait let me finish—
Predator: No! (shuts door) (Turns around and sees Man) what the?
Man: this is a once in a lifetime offer—
Predator: No! Damn it! (kills man)
Salesman: Have you ever found yourself—
Predator: Annoyed by a salesman who won’t take no for an answer let alone DIE? Yes! (kills salesman)
Salesman: (jumps through window) Have I got a deal for—
Predator: WHY WON’T YOU DIE? (Snaps salesman’s neck)
Salesmen: We are here to sell you—
Predator: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Starts killing every salesman in the room)
Salesman: (Points gun at predator’s head) Are you quite done?
Predator: Why are you so desperate to sell me this product of yours?
Salesman: Well don’t you want our product?
Predator: No!
Salesman: (cocks gun) let me ask you again. Don’t you want our product?
Predator: No!
Salesman: Oh, well than should’ve just said so. Good day. (leaves)
Predator: (twitches) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Alien: Hey Predator! I removed the stickiness from my floor! Predator?
Predator: He wouldn’t die… He just kept coming back…. *sob* *sob*
*ding dong*
Alien: I’ll get it. (Opens door)
Girl Scout: Hello would like some cookies mister?
Predator: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Slams door) *pant* *pant* *pant* *pant*
Alien: What was that for?
Predator: You’ll thank me for that someday! Trust me… you’ll thank me!
3
Predator V.S. Prince
*knock* * knock*
Predator: (opens door) Yes what is it?
Man: Good day sir. I am Marth, and I—
Predator: *Roar* (Grabs Marth) You son of an asshole! Why was I not in brawl? You made a promise to me and broke—
Marth: (kicks predators balls)
Predator: My Nuts! OW! AH! Ugh! Why?
Marth: You KILLED Roy!
Predator: Nuh-Uh! I put him in a coma!
Marth: On top of that, you made everyone think I’m gay, cracked my sword, cut my di—
5 hours later…
Marth: Built a monument to yourself on my front lawn, and Made Lyn an assist trophy!
Predator: Hey! She owed me 5 bucks and never paid me back!
Marth: Oh, That’s okay then.
Alien: What’s happening?
Marth: Oh, hi Alien.
Alien: Marth old friend! Come in!
Predator: (grabs Marth’s leg) No! You stay here so I can—
Marth: (Stabs predator’s arm)
Predator: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! CHEATER!!!
Man: Am I too late to be in brawl?
Predator: Roy?
Roy: Yes it’s-- YOU! (stabs same arm as Marth)
Predator: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Damn it! Not again!
Roy: Bitch! (walks away)
Predator: Agh… oh…. Ugh… pain… Agony… Aah…
(Later)
Marth: So Alien, How’ve you been recently?
Alien: Oh, God! Horrible! First I make A.V.P.R. and now Predator lives here with me!
Marth: God! That must suck!
Alien: Eh, it has its ups and downs.
Marth: Such as…
Alien: Oh my god! A rat! (points at rat)
Predator: (shoots rat) You’re next pretty boy!
Marth: Try it and die!
Alien: Unfortunately, his stupidity is limitless!
Marth: I noticed.
Predator: At least I didn’t have a crappy anime!
Marth (Takes out sword) You take that back Jaw Face!
Predator: Why don’t you make me Tiara boy?
Marth: This was my sister’s!
Predator: Then I guess you must have her bra and panties as well!
Marth: …You son of a bitch!
Predator: What’re you going to do about it?
5 minutes later predator is tied to the ceiling while Marth Stabs him repeatedly with his sword.
Alien: I’m going to need more popcorn.
Marth: Apologize!
Predator: Fine! I’m sorry you’re whiny little bi—
Marth: (stabs predator)
Predator: AHHHHHH! Totally worth it!
Marth: Apologize! (stabs predator)
Predator: AHHHHHHHHH!
4
Hunter Meets Ninja
Predator: So Alien, what’s for breakfast?
Alien: For you, a giant hard boiled egg. (Hands Predator alien eggs)
Predator: Sweet!
(Facehugger leaps from egg onto predator’s face)
Alien: (Laughs hysterically)
Predator: (rips off facehugger {don’t ask how}) Very funny.
Alien: Ah! That was rich!
Predator: Whatever! I’m going out to eat.
(At Panda Express)
Predator: *sigh*
Boy: Mind if I sit here?
Predator: Why not?
Boy: (sits down)
Predator: So uh…
Boy: Naruto, Naruto Uzumaki
Predator: Right, right! Anyways, why aren’t you freaked out by my face?
Naruto: Eh, I’ve seen worse.
Predator: Really?
Naruto: (shows picture of Orochimaru)
Predator: Ah! I see!
Naruto: So, tell me about yourself.
Predator: Well, I like to hunt, I collect skulls as trophies, and I live with my jackass roommate.
Naruto: Uh…huh…
Predator: So what’s your story?
Naruto: Well—
(car horn)
Naruto: and now my friends and I are here.
Predator: Sorry I couldn’t hear you over that car horn. Oh well never mind.
Naruto: So where do you live?
Predator: Well…
(Bracelet beeps)
Predator: Hang on, Yes?
Alien: Predator, get over here NOW!!!
Predator: Did Sigourney Weaver show up at our door again?
Alien: No! I’m being assaulted by ninjas!
Predator: *sigh* I’m on it! (Hangs up) Sorry dude, I got to go.
Naruto: Alright bye.
(Back at the apartment)
Predator: Alright, time for action. (Turns invisible) (Grabs vase) *moan*
Ninja 1: What was that?
Predator: I’m the vase of the damned! I’ll swallow your soul… and stuff! So leave!
Ninja 2: He’s not kidding! Run! (runs away)
Ninja 1: Wait up! (runs away)
Predator: Showed them. (Becomes visible again) (Turns around) (Sees ninja 3) Oh crap!
Ninja 3: You’re no demon vase!
Predator: Uh… (Takes out ball) Want the ball? Want the ball? Huh? Huh? Want it? Huh?
Ninja 3: *pant* *pant* *pant*
Predator: Want it? Huh? Do you? Huh? Huh? (Pretends to throw ball) Go get it!
Ninja 3: (Runs in search of ball)
Predator: (Locks door) Sucker!
Alien: Oh, you’re back! Are they gone?
Predator: Yes, they’re gone.
Alien: Oh thank god! They were getting annoying!
Predator: Well, I’m going to my room. (Closes door) *Roar*
Alien: That can’t be good!
Predator: (Busts Out of room) I’ll kill those freaking ninjas!
*knock* knock* *knock*
Predator: (opens Door)
Ninja 3: You never threw the ball did you?
Predator: (grins) No, but this time I will.
Ninja 3: Oh Boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!
Predator: (Takes pin out grenade) (throws grenade) Go get it!
Ninja 3: (runs after Grenade)
Predator: (Closes Door) (takes cover) 3… 2… 1…
*BOOM!*
Ninja 3: (Flies through window)
Predator: Now lets who culprit that touched my skulls REALLY is! (Takes off mask)
*Dramatic music*
Predator: *gasp* Naruto?
Naruto: Uh… no. I’m…Bill Wilson.
Predator: Oh, Well then, (throws Naruto out window) don’t EVER touch my skulls!!!
Naruto: Wow! That guy is an idiot!
5
Predator Joins the Force
Alien: Predator!
Predator: Not now! I’m watching cops!
Cop: You’re under arrest! You have the right to remain silent.
Predator: Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law! Awesome!
Alien: If you love it so much why don’t you just—
Predator: Marry it? God Alien, That’s so immature!
Alien: I was going to say “why don’t you join it?” you Dolt!
Predator: I can join the police?
Alien: Yes! It would be good to bring in some more cash.
Predator: (Runs Out Door)
Alien: This should prove Entertaining. (Grins)
(At the police station…)
Interviewer: Okay Mr. Predator, So far to all my questions you’ve answered “Shoot it”.
Predator: No! I said Stab him for “what do you do to a Jay-walker?”
Interviewer: Yes well, I just have one thing left to say to you.
Predator: And that is?
Interviewer: Welcome to the job! You’re perfect!
Predator: Alright! What’s my first assignment?
(Flashes to highway)
Predator: Sweet! Highway patrol!
Driver: (Throws can out window)
Predator: It’s go time! (Charges after driver)
Driver: (sees predator) Uh-oh! Better pull over. (Pulls over)
Predator: Get out of the vehicle with your hands up dirt-bag!
Driver: (gets out) what seems to be the problem officer?
Predator: Is this can yours?
Driver: Oh, I’m sorry about that!
Predator: So… yes?
Driver: Yes.
Predator: (Punches Driver in the face) Get down on the damn ground Scum!
Driver: W-What the?
Predator: You have the right to remain silent Etc. You’re coming downtown with me!
(Later…)
Warden: Well Predator I have to hand to you, 57 people in one day, not bad.
Predator: Just doing my duty sir.
Warden: And doing it well.
Predator: Well goodnight sir. (Leaves)
(At the apartment)
Alien: So how was it?
Predator: Freaking awesome!
Alien: Really?
Predator: Hell Yeah!!! Hey, what do you do all day?
Alien: I stay home all day.
Predator: Whatever, I’m going to bed.
Alien: Yeah, Me too.
Predator: Wait, aren’t you nocturnal?
Alien: I MOSTLY come out at night, MOSTLY!
Predator: *snicker* (bursts into laughter)
Alien: Oh, Shut up!
Predator: *sigh* Goodnight. (Closes door)
Alien: Idiot! (Closes Door)
Predator: Damn, I LOVE my job!
6
Memory lane
Warden: Predator I have good news and bad news.
Predator: Bad news then good.
Warden: The bad news is, you’re not a cop anymore.
Predator: If the good news is a Geico I will kill you!
Warden: Well, that and you’ve been promoted!
Predator: YEEEEEEEEEESSS! Promoted to what?
Warden: Detective!
Predator: THANK YOU GOD!!! (Runs out door)
Warden: God speed Predator.
(Meanwhile at the apartment)
Marth: Thanks for having me over Alien.
Alien: Thanks for coming.
Marth: So where’s Predator?
Alien: Working.
Marth: He got a job?
Alien: Yep. He’s a cop.
Marth: A COP?
Alien: Yes, and it is hilarious!
Marth: You find this amusing?
Alien: I’ve been taping his work since he started. Here watch! (Puts in tape)
Robber: Don’t anyone come in here I have hostages!
Predator: Alright let me just enter my pin number…
Robber: Hey how’d you get in here?
Predator: I used the door.
Robber: Leave or the hostages die!
Predator: What hostages? Were the only ones in here!
Robber: Shut up before I blow your head off!
Predator: With a cap gun? I doubt that is how gangsters “cap” someone!
Robber: Shut up!
Predator: Wait a second… (Unmasks robber) Roy?
Roy: Damn it you ruined everything!
Predator: Look I know you’re mad that you weren’t in brawl, but this is a tad extreme!
Marth and Alien: (burst into laughter)
Predator: What’s so funny? (Sees TV) Oh! Here’s the best part!
Roy: Put me down!
Predator: Dude we have to tell the people outside about this! They will CRACK UP!!!
Roy: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Predator: (Jumps out window) Hey everyone!
All: (laugh hysterically)
Marth: These are awesome got anymore?
Predator: Hell Yeah! (Puts in tape)
Drug dealer: Pleasure doing business with you, sir.
Man: Thanks!
Predator: Excuse me!
Drug dealer: Can I help you, sir?
Predator: Yes, There seems to have been a misunderstanding.
Drug dealer: Really?
Predator: Yeah! You see, I asked for sugar, you gave me crack!
Drug dealer: What are you talking about?
Predator: Look all I want to do is return this so I can get my sugar.
Drug dealer: That is sugar. *winks*
Predator: No, it’s CRACK!!!
Drug dealer (whisper): Shut up dawg! People are listening!
Predator: They are? Well then, Hey everyone!
Drug dealer: Shut up dawg!
Predator: This guy is selling crack and saying that it’s sugar! Don’t believe him!!!
Cop: Alright, sir. You’re under arrest!
Drug dealer: I’ll get you for this cracker!
Predator: That’s what you get for lying, and my name is Predator!!! Hey, a camera! Hi!
All: (Laughing hysterically)
Predator: Hey! I just got promoted to detective today!
Marth: Really? Nice job!
Predator: Yeah! Well, It’s getting late we should go to bed.
Marth: Yeah, probably! So where do I sleep?
Predator: What?
Marth: My apartment is being remodeled, so I’m staying here!
Predator: Well, okay then. You get the couch!
7
Little Pet Shop of Horrors
Predator: Hey! A new pet shop just opened across the street.
Alien: Really? Well, maybe we should go check out the place.
Predator: Okay! Let’s go!
(At the pet shop)
Manager: Hello, how can I help you?
Alien: Well for starters, I want to know why no one is freaked out by us!
Predator: Good question.
Manager: Well, most people have seen a platypus. Not many things are freakier than it.
Alien: What’s a platypus?
Manager: Well, Lucky for you, some platypuses just arrived today. (Holds out platypus)
Alien: WHOA! What is that thing?
Predator: Is it a duck? Is it a beaver? What is it?
Manager: Also, it’s an egg-laying, venomous, aquatic mammal.
Alien and Predator: WHAT?
Alien: Wow! This place is remarkable!
Predator: Is there anyway we could help you out?
Manager: Well we do take animal donations.
Alien: Well, we’ll let you know if we find an animal worth donating! (Leaves)
Predator: Bye! (Leaves)
Alien: Well, that was nice. Now let’s go home and fix the egg problem in the basement.
Predator: Leave that to me!
(At the apartment, in the basement)
Predator: Okay let’s see… what do I do with all these eggs? (Thinks) I know!
(Later)
Marth: Hey Alien! Look at this!
Alien: What is it Marth?
Marth: Something is happening at the pet store!
Predator: (Busts door open) (slams door) *pant* *pant* *pant*
Alien: Predator! Why are out of breath… and covered in blood?
Predator: Uh… No reason!
Alien: Whatever! So, what did you do with the eggs?
Predator: Well…
(Aliens jump out pet shop window)
Aliens: You donated them to the pet shop didn’t you?
Predator: Maybe…
Alien: (Slaps face in frustration) You are so stupid!
Marth: Hey the aliens are standing in a circle!
Predator: (Looks closer with mask)
Alien: What do you see?
Predator: They all seem to be looking at… the platypus!
Marth: Well come on! Let’s go kill them!
Alien: Don’t worry. The curiosity will be too much for them to handle. They’ll die soon.
Marth Oh, Well it all worked out then!
Alien: I guess so.
8
Night at a ninja’s
Predator: Um, Alien, Why is the apartment covered in a huge sheet with gas coming out?
Alien: Well it’s being fumigated because “someone” forgot about egg duty!
Predator: That Marth is so irresponsible!
Alien: I’m talking about YOU, you stupid-- wait a second…
Predator: What?
Alien: Marth is still in there! (Opens door) I’m coming Marth (runs inside)
Predator: Three… two… one…
Alien: (rushes out) *gasp* (Collapses)
Predator: *sigh* Alright! I’ll get him! You wimp! (Goes in)
Seconds later…
Alien: *groan*
Predator: (comes out with Marth) Here we are! (Drops Marth on Alien)
Alien: Ow! Jerk!
Predator: Your welcome!
Marth: Thanks for letting me KNOW the place was being fumigated!
Predator: Yeah Alien!
Alien: *grumble*
Predator: Well now where are we going to live?
Alien: The governor owes me a favor.
Predator: I’d rather be HOMELESS!!!
Alien: Oh come on!
Marth: Yeah! What’s your quarrel with governor Schwarzenegger anyway?
Predator: HE CRUSHED ME WITH A LOG!!!
Alien: Oh you poor thing! I GOT SUCKED INTO THE VACUUM OF SPACE!!!
Predator: I could barely breathe!
Alien: I couldn’t breathe PERIOD!!!
Predator: Whatever! Go live with that tyrant! I’m going elsewhere!
Alien: Fine! Screw you!
(At Naruto’s house)
Predator: So that’s pretty much what’s happening!
Naruto: Ah! Well your welcome to stay here!
Predator: Are you sure your roommates won’t mind?
Naruto: No, they’ll be cool with it!
(Later)
Sakura: So Predator, do you have any hobbies? (Pours tea)
Predator: I Hunt.
Sakura: Oh really? What do you hunt? (Sips tea)
Predator: Oh, Aliens, Monsters, Humans…
Sakura: (Spits out tea) What was that last one?
Predator: Monsters.
Sakura: Oh, anyway, do you have any trophies!
Predator: (holds out skull)
Sakura: What the hell is that?
Predator: A skull. My people treat them as trophies. I’ve got like 1,000 of them at home.
Sakura: (eyes widen) (Jaw drops)
Predator: What?
Naruto: Oh, Predator! You’re such a kidder! *winks*
Pedator: Oh, Yeah I’m just kidding!
Sakura: Oh! Wow you really had me going! (laughs)
Predator: Phew! That was close!
Sakura: What?
Predator: I said uh… Who wants toast? (Holds out toast)
Sakura: Uh…no thanks…
Predator: More for me! (Takes off mask) (Eats toast)
Sakura: *screams*
Predator: What? Is there something on my face?
Sakura: No! It’s--
Predator: Please! My face is nothing compared to a platypus!
Sakura: Really?
Predator: (holds out picture of platypus)
Sakura: *Faints*
Predator: I rest my case, (Puts mask back on) now to admire my claws. (Takes out claws)
Sasuke: (walks in) SAKURA!!!
Predator: Uh… Naruto did it. (Runs away) Woop! Woop! Woop! (Hits wall) OW!
Sasuke: (Looks at Naruto)
Naruto: He showed her a picture of a platypus.
Sasuke: Oh!
(That night)
Predator: Sorry about blaming you for Sakura.
Naruto: No problem. I would’ve done the same thing!
Predator (in thought): You double crossing son of a bitch!
Naruto: Well goodnight!
Predator: Goodnight… Traitor!
Naruto: What?
Predator: *click* *click* *click* *click*
Naruto: Wow! His snore is actually *yawn* soothing. (Falls asleep)
Predator: Sucker!
Sakura: *satisfied grunt* Oh… Sasuke… *snore*
Predator: Humph!
Sakura: Oh god! More Sasuke… Yes…
Predator: *growls*
Sakura: Oh Sasuke…Yes… oh yes… Ah…
Predator: Alright that’s it! (Takes out duct tape)
(The next morning)
Naruto: *yawn* Good morning predator.
Predator: Same to you old pa-- Sweet god!
Naruto: What is it?
Predator: There’s something devouring your head!
Naruto: What?
Predator: I’ll save you! (Grabs Naruto’s nightcap)
Naruto: What the hell?
Predator: Back to hell with thee foul demon! (Shoots nightcap)
Naruto: That was my nightcap.
Predator: You’re welcome! Wait what?
Naruto: Oh well. I’ve got more. (opens drawer)
Predator: Sweet Jesus! It’s a nest!
Naruto: *sigh*
Sakura: Predator!
Predator: Yes?
Sakura: Why was there Duct tape on my mouth when I woke up?
Predator: So I could get some damn shut eye!
Sakura: Why you…
Predator: By the way, you and Sasuke, ONLY in your dreams!
Sakura: *Sniffle* *Sniffle* *whimper* *Cries* (runs away)
Naruto: (Looks at Predator)
Predator: What?
Naruto: Get out! (Points to front door)
(Back at Predator’s apartment)
Predator: Well I had a good time. How about you guys?
Alien: It was alright.
Marth: I thought it was rather interesting.
Predator: Well I don’t think Naruto will be visiting us for a while!
Alien: What did you do? Never mind, I don’t want to know.
9
Meet Ness
*ding dong*
Marth: I’ll get it. (opens door)
Kid: Hi Marth.
Marth: Holy Crap! Ness, is that you?
Ness: Yes it’s me. So how’s Roy?
Predator: He’s in jail!
Ness: Who said that?
Predator: (walks to door) Yo!
Ness: Why is Roy in jail?
Predator: Armed Robbery.
Ness: Well, How about Young Link?
Predator: Took him down this morning!
Ness: Why?
Predator: R.W.I.
Ness: R.W.I.?
Predator: Riding while intoxicated.
Ness: That’s a shame.
Predator: Yep!
Ness: Can I come in?
Predator: Sure.
(Later)
Ness: So yeah with no games for a while I figure I’ll just settle in my apartment for now.
Predator: You’ve got an apartment?
Ness: Hell yeah!
Predator: Do you live with your parents.
Ness: No I live alone.
Predator: Oh, Cool. Do you want a beer?
Ness: Sure!
Marth: Oh, no you don’t!
Predator: What? Why?
Marth: He’s underage!
Predator: So?
Marth: It’s Illegal!
Predator: I’ll let it slide.
Marth: Well I for one am not going to stand idly by while you--
Ness: (Hits Marth in head with bat)
Marth: (falls unconscious)
Predator: THANK YOU!!!
Ness: (Grabs beer) No problem! (Drinks beer)
Predator: Is he going to be alright?
Ness: He’s endured worse!
Predator: He’s bleeding pretty badly there.
Ness: Oh… crap!
Predator: Well, better finish the job. (Takes out Vile of dissolving fluid)
Marth: (wakes up) *groan* My head!
Ness: Told you!
Predator: Aw!
Marth: Remind me to--
Ness: Never piss me off right?
Marth: No, to kick your ass!
Predator: You do realize you’re bleeding right?
Marth: I AM? (Looks at floor) *Screams*
Alien: *sigh* I’ll call the hospital.
(at the hospital)
Doctor: Well Marth, the good news is you’ll be just fine.
Marth: And the bad news?
Doctor: You’ll need to stay here a week.
Marth: Crap.
(Meanwhile)
Predator: Hey bartender!
Bartender: Yes?
Predator: Sasuke?
Sasuke: Yes it’s me!
Predator: You’re a bartender? *laughs*
Ness: Ouch!
Sasuke: Just shut up and order your drinks!
Predator: Okay… Bartender! *Laughs*
Sasuke: *growl*
Predator: Two beers please.
Sasuke: coming up. (Pours Mugs)
Ness: So what’s Sakura doing?
Sasuke: She’s… a police officer.
Predator: NO FREAKING WAY!
Sasuke: Yep! Go figure!
Predator: I wonder how she looks in uniform.
Sasuke: Your about to find out! Here she comes!
Sakura: (Enters bar) Hi Sasuke!
Sasuke: Hey Sakura!
Ness: Wow!
Sakura: (Sees Ness) Is that a beer bottle in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Ness: Well actually… (Pulls out bat) it’s my bat.
Sakura: Wait, aren’t you a little young to be drinking?
Ness: If you don’t want to end up in the E.R. you’ll get off my back!
Predator: He’s not kidding!
Sakura: Alright kid you’re under arrest!
Predator: Actually I’m allowing this! (Holds out badge)
Sakura: What? You can’t do that!
Predator: Yes I can, because I’m bigger than you!
Sakura: You got lucky kid! (Leaves bar)
Ness: Dude! (Looks at Predator) You and I are going to be great friends.
10
From Ino to Xeno
Predator: So then I say “Get down on the ground!”
Ness: Yeah…
Predator: Then he’s like “screw you!”
Ness: And then…
Predator: Then I punched him in the face!
Ness: *Laughs* Nice!
*ding dong*
Predator: I’ll get it! (Opens door) Alien! It’s for you!
Alien: Alright! I’m coming! Hi Ino, thanks for coming!
Ino: No problem!
Alien: Come on, I’ll give you a tour!
Ino: Thanks.
Ness: My god! She’s hot!
Predator: Kid? *snap* *snap* *snap* Yep! He’s been petrified by hotness!
Marth: Whatever that means!
Predator: Where did you come from?
(elsewhere)
Alien: And this is my room! As you can see it’s covered in slime!
Ino: I noticed.
(Flashes to Predator’s room)
Alien: Here we have Predator’s room! Best not too touch anything especially the skulls.
Ino: Really? (Pokes skull) touch!
Predator: (Busts in) *ROAR* (tackles Ino) Touch my skulls again! Do it!
Ino: Can’t… breathe…
Predator: Yeah! That’s what I thought. (Leaves)
Ino: *Gasp* *pant* *pant* *pant*
Alien: Okay you had that coming!
Ino: Yeah! I guess so!
(Flashes to main room)
Alien: So anyway that’s pretty much all there is to see!
Ino: What about this room?
Alien: NO! NOT THE--
Ino: (opens door)
Facehugger: (Clings to Ino)
Ino: (Falls unconscious)
Alien: Basement.
Predator: Hey have you seen my-- (Sees Ino) Ooh! Tough break!
Alien: Can’t you get it off?
Predator: I’ll try.
(15 minutes later)
Predator: Well it’s off!
Alien: Thank god!
Predator: Oh, Sure! Thank God for what I did, because it was totally him who did it!
Alien: Calm down! It was a figure of speech!
Predator: You’re a figure of speech!
Alien: Real mature comeback!
Predator: Yeah, well… Your momma!
Alien: Oh HELL no!
Predator: Oh hell yes!
Alien: Oh it’s on! *hiss* (sticks out second mouth)
Predator: Bring it on bitch! *roar* (Takes out claws) (Takes out shoulder cannon)
Alien: Oh, that’s just plain not fair!
Predator: What now bitch? What now?
Alien: (Stabs shoulder cannon)
Predator: Hey! No fair!
Alien: Oh, that’s coming the one who’s COVERED IN WEAPONS!!!
Predator: Oh yeah. (Takes out javelin)
Alien: Oh what the hell?
Predator: (charges at Alien) Take this you--
Ness: Ino is awake!
Predator: Alright! Let’s go see her!
Alien: So Ino, how do you feel?
Ino: I’ve got a slight headache and sore throat, but I’m okay!
Alien: Thank God! I mean Predator!
Predator: See? That wasn’t too hard now was it?
Ness: But I know what is hard!
Marth: Ness!
Ness: What? I was going to say Earthbound!
Ino: *groan* *pant* *pant* *groan*
Ness: Was it something I said?
Ino: *groan* *screams* (goes into convulsions) (chest bulges)
Alien: I thought you said you got the facehugger off!
Predator: What? I never said that! It just fell off eventually!
Alien: Then that means…
Ino: *screams*
Chestburter: (erupts Ino’s chest) *sreech*
Ness: P.K. Mind swap!
(Blue aura surrounds and enters Chestburster)
Chestburster: *screech* (Slithers away)
Alien: What was that?
Ness: I put Ino’s mind into that thing!
Alien: Quick thinking! I didn’t know you could do that!
Predator: We can NOT tell Naruto!
Marth: Oh, I’m sure he’ll understand!
Alien: I’ll find Ino! You, Predator, tell Naruto what happened!
Predator: Aw!
Marth: I’ll go with you. You might need protection.
(At Naruto’s)
Naruto: Predator? What are you doing here?
Predator: Umm… It’s about Ino.
Naruto: Ino? What about her?
Predator: Well… She’s… been turned in to an alien.
Naruto: WHAT?
Predator: Hey! She stuck her nose where it didn’t belong!
Naruto: (goes Super Kyubi) Change… her… back!
Predator: Well it’s not that simple!
Naruto: Rasengan!
Predator: OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! I’ll see what I can do!
Naruto: You’d better! Because if you don’t, your skulls pay the price!
Predator: *gulp*
(meanwhile)
Alien: Ino! It’s me Alien!
Ino: *sob* *sob*
Alien: Ino?
Ino: Don’t look at me I’m hideous! A monster! A freak of nature! *sob*
Alien: I resent that!
Ino: Sorry! *sniffle* I forgot!
Alien: Listen, Ness and Predator are repairing your body so you can be human again!
Ino: *sniffle* R-really?
Alien: Yes, don’t ask how though!
Ino: Good!
Alien: It’s going to be a while so you better get used being a xenomorph for now.
Ino: *sigh* You’re right!
Alien: Don’t worry I’ll help you through it.
Ino: Thanks.
Alien: Okay, we better get started this is starting to sound like we’re falling in love.
Predator: It’s ready!
Alien: Wow! That was quick! Well thank god this is over!
Predator: HEY!!!
11
Goodbye sweet prince
Marth: Guys! Good news!
Predator: You’re coming out of the closet?
Marth: They’re done remodeling my apartment!
Alien: Great! Well I guess this means you’ll be leaving us!
Marth: Yep! Guess so!
Predator: THANK YOU GOD!!!
Alien: I look forward to visiting you!
Marth Yeah, about that…
Alien: What’s wrong?
Marth: I… I got a callback from Nintendo!
Alien: And…
Marth: I’ve been asked to star in Fire Emblem DS!
Alien: Great!
Predator: Just what the DS needs… more garbage!
Marth: So I’m going back to Japan to work on the game!
Alien: Oh… I get it. So I guess this is goodbye for a while!
Predator: REALLY? OH MY GOD YES! THANKYOU!!!
Marth: My flight leaves tomorrow. So I just wanted to say… goodbye dear friend!
Ness: You do know that Fire Emblem DS Is just a remake of the original right?
Marth: Oh… Well… this is awkward…
Predator: *groan*
Alien: So does this mean you’ll still visit?
Marth: Oh sure! I better get a refund on this plane ticket!
Alien: Good Idea!
Predator: Why Ness? Why?
Ness: You may not like him, but Marth is still my friend.
Predator: You wanted to piss me off right?
Ness: Bingo! Now let’s get drunk!
Predator: One step ahead of you old friend!
Ness: Good Job!
Alien: Well now that they’re gone, let’s check out your place!
Marth: Okay!
(At Marth’s apartment)
Alien: Nice!
Marth: Yeah! It’s amazing what you can buy when you’re royalty!
Alien: I’ll say!
Marth: So anyway here’s the Giant Plasma screen H.D. TV.
Alien: Damn!
Marth: And below it we have my Nintendo Wii!
Alien: Sweet!
Marth: And here’s my Jacuzzi!
Alien: You are loaded!
Marth: Yeah! Come on I’ll show you the bedroom.
Alien: I can’t wait to see this!
(at the bedroom)
Marth: So… what do you think?
Alien: It’s… Amazing!!!
Marth: Really? You don’t think that the statues of me are too much?
Alien: They make you look like a GOD!!!
Marth: Thanks!
Alien: What’s that?
Marth: That’s my bed.
Alien: THAT’S your bed? It’s huge! And it’s got your face all over it!
Marth: Yeah! It’s pretty awesome!
(Meanwhile)
Predator: Sasuke! 2 more beers!
Sasuke: (Gives beer)
Ness: You seem happy!
Predator: Well Fulgore did just give me a raise!
Ness: Alright Predator! Wait Fulgore?
Predator: Yeah! He’s the Chief!
Ness: But isn’t he evil?
Predator: He used too be. (Sips beer)
Ness: What happened?
Predator: Some kid went up to him and said “stop being evil!” so he did!
Ness: Wow Really? (Sips beer)
Predator: Yep! (Sips Beer) *sigh* Go figure!
Ness: Check it out! Sakura’s coming!
Sakura: Hey guys! What’s going on?
Predator: Marth’s leaving!!!
Sakura: L-leaving? You mean just to another apartment right?
Predator: Sadly yes.
Sakura: Oh, thank god!
Predator: Why? What’s that supposed to mean?
Sakura: Uh… no reason!
Ness: You think he’s hot. Don’t deny it, I’m psychic!
Sakura: How could I not? He’s so in touch with his feminine side!
Predator: How?
Sakura: He wears a tiara!
Predator: That explains it! *cough* Gay!
Sakura: And that hair… Oh my god it makes him look so handsome!
Ness: It makes him look gay!
Sakura: And that physique! Oh he is just so hot!
Predator: Ness how’d you fit a bottle of Champaign in your pocket?
Ness: This isn’t Champaign, (pulls out bottle) it is sparkling wine!
Predator: They’re the same thing! But that still doesn’t explain how it fits in your pocket.
Sakura: Speaking of Marth where is that stud muffin?
(Back with Marth and Alien)
Marth: Cannon ball! (Jumps into pool) Isn’t this great Alien? Alien? Hello?
Alien: (Leaps from water) *screech*
Matrh: Oh dear God!
Alien: *laughs* Oh that was fun!
Marth: You jerk! (Splashes Alien)
Alien: Race you to the other side!
Marth: You’re on! Ready…
Alien: Set…
Ike: Hey guys!
Marth: Ike! Looking good!
Alien: “Nice” Speedo!
Ike: Thanks! What’s your name?
Alien: Alien! Now come in the water’s great!
Marth: Oh, it gets better! (Claps twice)
(Waves form in pool)
Alien: A wave pool! Dude!
Marth: Hey Ike! Do you Signature Dive!
Ike: Okay! Alien stand here!
Alien: Okay now what?
Ike: (throws alien into the air) (starts attacking alien) GREAT…
Alien: *screams in pain*
Ike: AETHER!!! (Crashes Into water) How was that Alien?
Alien: (floats to surface) *gasp* You did all that with a wet noodle?
Ike: That’s what she said!
Marth: Nice! (High fives Ike)
12
Chasing Chasers
Predator: Sasuke! Two beers now!
Sasuke: (hands mugs to Predator and Ness) Here you go!
Ness: (Sips beer) So how’s life as a cop Predator?
Predator: It’s cool. (Sips beer) But it does get tough sometimes.
Sakura: I’ll say.
Marth: (walks in) Hey Sasuke!
Sasuke: Hi Marth, red wine correct?
Marth: Yes!
Predator: Wuss!
Marth: *beep* you! (Sips wine)
Sakura: *blushes* Such a man!
Marth: Oh, hi Sakura!
Sakura: Uh… (Sips drink) What are you doing here?
Marth: Well I just moved into my new apartment so I’m celebrating!
Sakura: Oh, Good for you! (Sips drink)
Marth: So is that white wine you’re drinking?
Sakura: Oh, yes!
Ness: I think I know where this is going! *Winks* (Nudges Predator)
Sakura: (Punches Ness) Shut up prick! Sorry about that.
Marth: Don’t worry. That’s just what Ness is like. He’s a good kid
Sakura in thought: Wow! He’s so tolerant!
Marth: So anyways I’d best get going see you! (Blows kiss)
Sakura: *faints*
Predator: Light weight! (Sips beer)
5 hours later
Sakura: *wakes up* *groan*
Alien: Are you alright?
Sakura: Fine!
Alien: Are you sure?
Sakura: Yeah!
Alien: Here let me help you up. (Pulls up Sakura)
Sakura: Thanks!
Alien: What happened anyway?
Sakura: I fell in love!
Alien: Well you definitely fell that’s for sure!
Sakura: *giggles*
Alien: So I’m going to guess you’re referring to my good friend Marth.
Sakura: Actually yes! *blushes*
Alien: I’m Alien.
Sakura: Haruno, Sakura Haruno.
Alien: Come on let’s get you home!
(meanwhile)
Predator and Ness: Lola! L-L-L-L-Lola! L-L-L-L-Lola!
DJ: Thank you! Ness and Predator! Let’s hear it!
(Applause)
Ino: Great Job guys!
Ness: Thanks! Predator, you are a genius! Karaoke night… brilliant!
Man: And up next, it’s Ino Yamanka with I Will Survive!
Ino: That’s my queue! (Runs on stage) At first I was afraid, I was petrified!
Ness: She looks SO hot in that light!
Predator: Dude her singing is great!
Ness: That’s not the only thing great about her!
Predator: You perverted little bastard!
Ness: I was talking about her personality!
Predator: Oh!
Ino: Oh no! Not I! I will survive!
Later
Ness: That was WILD!
Ino: Yeah!
Ness: Well see you tomorrow guys.
Ino: See you Ness! Oh, hey can I crash at one of your places! Mine’s being fumigated.
Ness: Sure you can sleep with me!
Ino: WHAT?
Ness: Err… At my place… O-On a different bed… Alone! Wow that was awkward!
Predator: I’ll say!
Ness: So anyway how about it?
Ino: Sure!
Predator: Goodnight guys!
The Next Day
Ness: (Rings Predator’s doorbell)
Alien: (opens door) Ness RUN!!!
Ness: Why?
Alien: Predator has a hangover, and we’re out of chasers!!!
Ness: So? How bad could that be?
Predator: *ROAR* (Plows down front door) (runs away)
Ness: Damn!
Alien: We are so screwed!!!
Predator: CHASER!!! I NEED A CHASER!!! (Blows up car) (Runs to bar)
Ness: Wow!
Predator: SASUKE! CHASERS! NOW!
Sasuke: Sorry! I’m all out!
Predator: *roars*
Sasuke: Look they have chasers at the drug store!
Predator: CHASERS!!! (Jumps out window) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Ness: Predator definitely came through here, and is now headed for the drug store!
Cashier: Thank you! Come again!
Ness: I need a steel bat now!
Cashier: Excuse me?
Ness: You know a steel bat!
Cashier: Kid, this is a drug store!
Ness: I know now give me a freaking bat!
Cashier: We don’t HAVE any bats!
Ness: Some drug store you are!
Predator: I’ll say! These Chasers are horrible tasting!
Cashier: Those are Anti-de--
Ness: (eyes widen) P.K. Fire!
Cashier: *scream of anguish* It BURNS!!!
Predator: Lousy service!
Ness: Oh Yeah!
13
Predator’s spare time
Fulgore: Sakura! Predator! Shift’s over!
Sakura: Bye sir!
Predator: *Groan* Well I guess I’ll hit the bar!
(At the bar)
Ness: Hey Predator!
Predator: Ness! Ino! How are you?
Ino: Fine! (Sips drink)
Predator: And you Ness?
Ness: Okay!
Predator: So (sits down) what’s tonight’s plan?
Ino: Square dancing!
Predator: Bye!
Ness: She’s kidding!
Ino: Yeah!
Predator: Oh, thank God!
Ness: We’re not sure what the plan is.
Predator: Let’s see it Thursday *Snaps fingers* so…Shoot the crap out of stuff night!
Ness: YES!!!
Ino: Sweet! My second time with a gun!
15 minutes later…
Ness: Say hello to my little friend! The SUPER SCOPE!!! (Shoots Tree)
Predator: Wow! Look at all the animals falling out!
Ino: My turn! (Grabs Spartan Laser)
Ness: Where’d you get THAT?
Ino: Let’s just say I have my ways!
Ness: You swiped that from Master Chief didn’t you?
Ino: Maybe…
Ness: Alright let’s see what that baby can do! Shoot me!
Ino: What?
Ness: Do it!
Ino: *sigh* Alright! (Aims at Ness) Nice knowing you kid!
Predator: Not it for cleaning him up!
Ino: Oh, the wolves will take care of that! (Charges laser)
Predator: There are wolves out here?
Ino: (Shoots Gun)
(Smoke clears)
Ino: Holy *beep*
Ness: Aw! HELL Yeah!
Predator: Dude! Your Freaking Ripped! The Governor’s got nothing on you!
Ino: How’d you DO that?
Ness: Absorb Shield!!!
Predator: Alright my turn! (Locks on plane) Take this duck!
Ness: Wait Predator I that’s an--
Predator: (Fire’s Shoulder cannon)
(Plane goes down and crashes into small town and explodes)
All: (Jaw drops)
Predator: Ino! What the *beep* man?
Ness: Seriously!
Ino: I didn’t mean to!
Ness: Whatever! Let’s just go! Go! Go!
All: (runs away)
The next day…
TV Reporter: In other news the culprit behind the plane crash last night has been found!
Predator: Ino you are so going to get it now!
TV Reporter: The culprit was identified to be Chief Fulgore of the HPD!
All: What?
TV Reporter: The governor had this to say after questioning!
Arnold: Though he disgraced our beloved state with his actions it could not be helped.
Predator: *Screams* (hides behind couch)
Ino: What’s with him?
Ness: You saw his movie!
Arnold: His Ultratech programming took over his senses and he lost control.
Reporter: But Mr. Governor, how can you sympathize with him over this?
Arnold: His Primary Mission was to terminate his target no matter what!
Reporter: Again, how can you sympathize with him over this?
Arnold: Didn’t you see the Terminator?
Reporter: No!
Arnold: Arrest that man!
Ness: (Turns off TV)
Predator: Is he gone?
Ness: Yes he’s gone!
Predator: Good! That was scary!
Ness: Well Ino, look’s like you dodged the bullet!
Ino: Well now there’s only one question left.
Predator: Which is?
Ino: What happened when YOU shot at the plane?
Predator: Me?
Ness: Predator let’s face it! You did it and you know it!
Predator: Yeah!
Ness: As for Ino’s question all I can say is who cares?
Ino: Amen to that!
14
Home Away From Home Alone
Alien: Bye Ness! Make sure you take care of the place while we’re gone!
Ness: Okay!
Predator: I love when he says that!
Alien: He loves to say it.
Ness: *sigh* (Turns on TV)
Reporter: In other news, the Horror Mafia is still at large!
Ness: Ooh! This sounds interesting!
Reporter: It probably is!
Ness: What?
Reporter: As far as we know the Horror Mafia consists of these members.
Ness: (Turns up volume)
Reporter: Jason Voorhees, Freddy Kruger, Michael Myers and Leatherface.
Ness: No surprises there!
Reporter: No surprises Indeed!
Ness: Huh?
Reporter: Although there leader still has yet to be identified, He sent this video.
Leader: We are the Horror Mafia! We are a force sent from Hell!
Ness: Oh, Come on! it’s freaking Pinhead! The silhouette hides nothing!
Elsewhere…
Freddy: Sir! You better have a look at this! (Plays video of Ness)
Pinhead: Damn it! I told you I was too obvious!
Freddy: Hey! It was the best we could do in such short notice!
Pinhead: Whatever! Just find the kid and kill him!
Freddy: Don’t you mean whack him?
Pinhead: Why the hell would I want to whack him? I want him dead not hurt!
Hannibal: Actually sir, “Whack” Is a mob term for Kill!
Pinhead: Well how am I supposed to know that? Whatever! Just kill him!
Freddy: Yes sir! (Leaves)
Pinhead: *sigh* Idiot!
(Back with Ness)
*ring* *ring*
Ness: Hello?
Freddy: Were watching you Ness!
Ness: What? How?
Freddy: Look to your left!
Ness: (looks) How long has that camera been there?
Freddy: Pretty much through out the whole story!
Ness: And I never noticed?
Freddy: It’s cleverly hidden!
Ness: It’s on a huge stand next to the sofa! How is that clever?
Freddy: More like how clever is that?
Ness: Do you realize that I’m not in the least bit scared and can easily trace this call?
Freddy: Yeah, well… *Grunt* (hangs up)
*ding dong*
Ness: (walks to door) Let’s see judging from the buzzing I’m guessing Leatherface.
Leatherface: *Grunt*
Ness: (opens door) Yep!
Leatherface: (Lifts up chainsaw) *Insane Laughter*
Ness: (Hits Leatherface in balls with Bat)
Leatherface: (Eyes widen) (drops chainsaw) *grunt* (Passes out)
Ness: (Teleports Leatherface back) Too easy!
(The next day)
*ding dong*
(Friday the 13th music plays)
Ness: Could he be anymore obvious?
*ding dong*
Ness: Let’s see knowing Jason he soaked with lake water so… Got it!
*ding dong*
Ness: (Opens door) PK Thunder! (Shocks the crap out of Jason) (Teleports Jason)
The next day…
*ding dong*
Ness: *sigh* (answers door) Michael.
Michael: (Swings Knife Randomly)
Ness: (Bats Michael in shin)
Michael: (Falls down)
Ness: (Grabs Michael’s Knife) I’ll take that! (Closes door)
(That night)
Ness: Okay, so I’m asleep, I already beat up the 3 of Pinheads goons so…
Freddy: 1…2… Freddy’s coming for you!
Ness: Just as I expected.
Freddy: 3…4… Better lock your door! 5… 6… Grab your Crucifix!
Ness: You almost done?
Freddy: Shut up! 7… 8… Going to stay up late!
Ness: *sigh*
Freddy: 9… 10… (Appears From dark vortex) Freddy’s back again!!!
Ness: (Claps hands) Bravo Kruger! Bravo!
Freddy: Thanks!
Ness: I thought your performance was unbelievable!
Freddy: Well I try.
Ness: I thought you were so unbelievable that… (closes eyes)
Freddy: Where are you going with this kid?
Ness: I don’t believe in you!
Freddy: Say again?
Ness: I don’t believe in you! I don’t believe in you! I don’t believe in you!
Freddy: Well I’ll make you believe bitch! (Swipes at Ness) (Claws break) Huh?
Ness: I don’t believe in you! I don’t believe in you! I don’t believe in you!
Freddy: No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (Disappears)
(That morning)
Alien: Ness we’re home! Anything happen while we were gone!
Ness: Nothing to unusual.
End of part 1
By: cutman99
Prologue:
After a long, arduous movie career, an exhausted Alien/Xenomorph decides it’s time to take a break from all the hustle and bustle and chaos of showbiz, and goes back to his Hollywood apartment to settle down until A.V.P. 3 Starts shooting, but he’s about find a surprise waiting in his apartment. Thus begins our story…
1
Beer Interrogation
Alien: *Sniff* *sigh* It’s good to be back! (Walks to apartment door) (Opens door) Man how I missed this—
Unknown voice: Hey roomy!
Alien: Predator? What the hell are you doing here?
Predator: I live here!
Alien: No… I live here.
Predator: Oh yeah! You live here too.
Alien: What do you mean “too”?
Predator: *laughs* Nice one roomy!
Alien: Roomy?
Predator: Yeah! You know… as in roommates!
Alien: Room…mates… with you… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Predator: Anyways glad you’re here I have sort of an egg problem in the basement.
Alien: You stay away from my family/security system!
Predator: Dude! Chill!
Alien: The only way I’ll “chill” is if you leave right now!
Predator: Listen dude I’m staying like or not.
Alien: Oh no you’re—
Predator: (points shoulder cannon at alien) LIKE IT OR NOT!!!
Alien: Ooh… Forgot you had that. Fine!
Predator: Yes! This calls for a beer!
Alien: Don’t you touch my beer horde!
Predator: (Turns head) Beer horde?
Alien: Oh, Damn it.
Predator: (lunges at alien) WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS YOUR BEER STASH? TELL ME!!!
Alien: Screw you Jackass!
Predator: What did you say? What did you just say? (Takes out claws)
Alien: Oh you got to be kidding…
Predator: Talk! (Stabs alien)
Alien: AAAAAAAAAGH!!! It’s in the fridge in the bottom drawer on the left.
Predator: I said talk damn you! (Stabs Alien again)
Alien: AAAAAAAAGH!!! I told you everything!
Predator: Not good enough! Where is the damn stash? (Stabs alien again)
5 hours later…
Predator: (keeps punching wall) Talk!
Alien: (walks behind predator) I’m back from the bathroom. So, have I cracked yet?
Predator: (turns to alien) Not yet, but I’ve got you on the ropes. (Turns back to wall) Talk! (Punches wall)
Alien: Yeah good luck with that. You want a beer?
Predator: Nah! I’m okay. Talk! WHERE’S THE BEER STASH? (Blows hole in wall)
2
The Offer that wouldn’t die
Predator: Just some finishing touches, (Hangs up spear) and my room decorating is done!
Alien: Are you done?
Predator: Yep! What do you think?
Alien: Uh… (Looks at skull collection) Hey come and check out my room!
Predator: Okay!
Alien: (Opens door) Here we are.
Predator: Yikes!
Alien: What do you think too much ooze?
Predator: Hmmmmm… well the wall is definitely covered nicely, but the floor is a bit sticky.
Alien: Okay I’ll work on that.
*knock* *knock* *knock*
Predator: I’ll get it. (opens door) can I help you.
Man: Hello sir or madam I’m going door to door selling—
Predator: Weapons?
Man: No but—
Predator: Not interested! (Tries to close door)
Man: (blocks door with foot) Wait let me finish—
Predator: No! (shuts door) (Turns around and sees Man) what the?
Man: this is a once in a lifetime offer—
Predator: No! Damn it! (kills man)
Salesman: Have you ever found yourself—
Predator: Annoyed by a salesman who won’t take no for an answer let alone DIE? Yes! (kills salesman)
Salesman: (jumps through window) Have I got a deal for—
Predator: WHY WON’T YOU DIE? (Snaps salesman’s neck)
Salesmen: We are here to sell you—
Predator: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Starts killing every salesman in the room)
Salesman: (Points gun at predator’s head) Are you quite done?
Predator: Why are you so desperate to sell me this product of yours?
Salesman: Well don’t you want our product?
Predator: No!
Salesman: (cocks gun) let me ask you again. Don’t you want our product?
Predator: No!
Salesman: Oh, well than should’ve just said so. Good day. (leaves)
Predator: (twitches) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Alien: Hey Predator! I removed the stickiness from my floor! Predator?
Predator: He wouldn’t die… He just kept coming back…. *sob* *sob*
*ding dong*
Alien: I’ll get it. (Opens door)
Girl Scout: Hello would like some cookies mister?
Predator: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Slams door) *pant* *pant* *pant* *pant*
Alien: What was that for?
Predator: You’ll thank me for that someday! Trust me… you’ll thank me!
3
Predator V.S. Prince
*knock* * knock*
Predator: (opens door) Yes what is it?
Man: Good day sir. I am Marth, and I—
Predator: *Roar* (Grabs Marth) You son of an asshole! Why was I not in brawl? You made a promise to me and broke—
Marth: (kicks predators balls)
Predator: My Nuts! OW! AH! Ugh! Why?
Marth: You KILLED Roy!
Predator: Nuh-Uh! I put him in a coma!
Marth: On top of that, you made everyone think I’m gay, cracked my sword, cut my di—
5 hours later…
Marth: Built a monument to yourself on my front lawn, and Made Lyn an assist trophy!
Predator: Hey! She owed me 5 bucks and never paid me back!
Marth: Oh, That’s okay then.
Alien: What’s happening?
Marth: Oh, hi Alien.
Alien: Marth old friend! Come in!
Predator: (grabs Marth’s leg) No! You stay here so I can—
Marth: (Stabs predator’s arm)
Predator: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! CHEATER!!!
Man: Am I too late to be in brawl?
Predator: Roy?
Roy: Yes it’s-- YOU! (stabs same arm as Marth)
Predator: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Damn it! Not again!
Roy: Bitch! (walks away)
Predator: Agh… oh…. Ugh… pain… Agony… Aah…
(Later)
Marth: So Alien, How’ve you been recently?
Alien: Oh, God! Horrible! First I make A.V.P.R. and now Predator lives here with me!
Marth: God! That must suck!
Alien: Eh, it has its ups and downs.
Marth: Such as…
Alien: Oh my god! A rat! (points at rat)
Predator: (shoots rat) You’re next pretty boy!
Marth: Try it and die!
Alien: Unfortunately, his stupidity is limitless!
Marth: I noticed.
Predator: At least I didn’t have a crappy anime!
Marth (Takes out sword) You take that back Jaw Face!
Predator: Why don’t you make me Tiara boy?
Marth: This was my sister’s!
Predator: Then I guess you must have her bra and panties as well!
Marth: …You son of a bitch!
Predator: What’re you going to do about it?
5 minutes later predator is tied to the ceiling while Marth Stabs him repeatedly with his sword.
Alien: I’m going to need more popcorn.
Marth: Apologize!
Predator: Fine! I’m sorry you’re whiny little bi—
Marth: (stabs predator)
Predator: AHHHHHH! Totally worth it!
Marth: Apologize! (stabs predator)
Predator: AHHHHHHHHH!
4
Hunter Meets Ninja
Predator: So Alien, what’s for breakfast?
Alien: For you, a giant hard boiled egg. (Hands Predator alien eggs)
Predator: Sweet!
(Facehugger leaps from egg onto predator’s face)
Alien: (Laughs hysterically)
Predator: (rips off facehugger {don’t ask how}) Very funny.
Alien: Ah! That was rich!
Predator: Whatever! I’m going out to eat.
(At Panda Express)
Predator: *sigh*
Boy: Mind if I sit here?
Predator: Why not?
Boy: (sits down)
Predator: So uh…
Boy: Naruto, Naruto Uzumaki
Predator: Right, right! Anyways, why aren’t you freaked out by my face?
Naruto: Eh, I’ve seen worse.
Predator: Really?
Naruto: (shows picture of Orochimaru)
Predator: Ah! I see!
Naruto: So, tell me about yourself.
Predator: Well, I like to hunt, I collect skulls as trophies, and I live with my jackass roommate.
Naruto: Uh…huh…
Predator: So what’s your story?
Naruto: Well—
(car horn)
Naruto: and now my friends and I are here.
Predator: Sorry I couldn’t hear you over that car horn. Oh well never mind.
Naruto: So where do you live?
Predator: Well…
(Bracelet beeps)
Predator: Hang on, Yes?
Alien: Predator, get over here NOW!!!
Predator: Did Sigourney Weaver show up at our door again?
Alien: No! I’m being assaulted by ninjas!
Predator: *sigh* I’m on it! (Hangs up) Sorry dude, I got to go.
Naruto: Alright bye.
(Back at the apartment)
Predator: Alright, time for action. (Turns invisible) (Grabs vase) *moan*
Ninja 1: What was that?
Predator: I’m the vase of the damned! I’ll swallow your soul… and stuff! So leave!
Ninja 2: He’s not kidding! Run! (runs away)
Ninja 1: Wait up! (runs away)
Predator: Showed them. (Becomes visible again) (Turns around) (Sees ninja 3) Oh crap!
Ninja 3: You’re no demon vase!
Predator: Uh… (Takes out ball) Want the ball? Want the ball? Huh? Huh? Want it? Huh?
Ninja 3: *pant* *pant* *pant*
Predator: Want it? Huh? Do you? Huh? Huh? (Pretends to throw ball) Go get it!
Ninja 3: (Runs in search of ball)
Predator: (Locks door) Sucker!
Alien: Oh, you’re back! Are they gone?
Predator: Yes, they’re gone.
Alien: Oh thank god! They were getting annoying!
Predator: Well, I’m going to my room. (Closes door) *Roar*
Alien: That can’t be good!
Predator: (Busts Out of room) I’ll kill those freaking ninjas!
*knock* knock* *knock*
Predator: (opens Door)
Ninja 3: You never threw the ball did you?
Predator: (grins) No, but this time I will.
Ninja 3: Oh Boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!
Predator: (Takes pin out grenade) (throws grenade) Go get it!
Ninja 3: (runs after Grenade)
Predator: (Closes Door) (takes cover) 3… 2… 1…
*BOOM!*
Ninja 3: (Flies through window)
Predator: Now lets who culprit that touched my skulls REALLY is! (Takes off mask)
*Dramatic music*
Predator: *gasp* Naruto?
Naruto: Uh… no. I’m…Bill Wilson.
Predator: Oh, Well then, (throws Naruto out window) don’t EVER touch my skulls!!!
Naruto: Wow! That guy is an idiot!
5
Predator Joins the Force
Alien: Predator!
Predator: Not now! I’m watching cops!
Cop: You’re under arrest! You have the right to remain silent.
Predator: Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law! Awesome!
Alien: If you love it so much why don’t you just—
Predator: Marry it? God Alien, That’s so immature!
Alien: I was going to say “why don’t you join it?” you Dolt!
Predator: I can join the police?
Alien: Yes! It would be good to bring in some more cash.
Predator: (Runs Out Door)
Alien: This should prove Entertaining. (Grins)
(At the police station…)
Interviewer: Okay Mr. Predator, So far to all my questions you’ve answered “Shoot it”.
Predator: No! I said Stab him for “what do you do to a Jay-walker?”
Interviewer: Yes well, I just have one thing left to say to you.
Predator: And that is?
Interviewer: Welcome to the job! You’re perfect!
Predator: Alright! What’s my first assignment?
(Flashes to highway)
Predator: Sweet! Highway patrol!
Driver: (Throws can out window)
Predator: It’s go time! (Charges after driver)
Driver: (sees predator) Uh-oh! Better pull over. (Pulls over)
Predator: Get out of the vehicle with your hands up dirt-bag!
Driver: (gets out) what seems to be the problem officer?
Predator: Is this can yours?
Driver: Oh, I’m sorry about that!
Predator: So… yes?
Driver: Yes.
Predator: (Punches Driver in the face) Get down on the damn ground Scum!
Driver: W-What the?
Predator: You have the right to remain silent Etc. You’re coming downtown with me!
(Later…)
Warden: Well Predator I have to hand to you, 57 people in one day, not bad.
Predator: Just doing my duty sir.
Warden: And doing it well.
Predator: Well goodnight sir. (Leaves)
(At the apartment)
Alien: So how was it?
Predator: Freaking awesome!
Alien: Really?
Predator: Hell Yeah!!! Hey, what do you do all day?
Alien: I stay home all day.
Predator: Whatever, I’m going to bed.
Alien: Yeah, Me too.
Predator: Wait, aren’t you nocturnal?
Alien: I MOSTLY come out at night, MOSTLY!
Predator: *snicker* (bursts into laughter)
Alien: Oh, Shut up!
Predator: *sigh* Goodnight. (Closes door)
Alien: Idiot! (Closes Door)
Predator: Damn, I LOVE my job!
6
Memory lane
Warden: Predator I have good news and bad news.
Predator: Bad news then good.
Warden: The bad news is, you’re not a cop anymore.
Predator: If the good news is a Geico I will kill you!
Warden: Well, that and you’ve been promoted!
Predator: YEEEEEEEEEESSS! Promoted to what?
Warden: Detective!
Predator: THANK YOU GOD!!! (Runs out door)
Warden: God speed Predator.
(Meanwhile at the apartment)
Marth: Thanks for having me over Alien.
Alien: Thanks for coming.
Marth: So where’s Predator?
Alien: Working.
Marth: He got a job?
Alien: Yep. He’s a cop.
Marth: A COP?
Alien: Yes, and it is hilarious!
Marth: You find this amusing?
Alien: I’ve been taping his work since he started. Here watch! (Puts in tape)
Robber: Don’t anyone come in here I have hostages!
Predator: Alright let me just enter my pin number…
Robber: Hey how’d you get in here?
Predator: I used the door.
Robber: Leave or the hostages die!
Predator: What hostages? Were the only ones in here!
Robber: Shut up before I blow your head off!
Predator: With a cap gun? I doubt that is how gangsters “cap” someone!
Robber: Shut up!
Predator: Wait a second… (Unmasks robber) Roy?
Roy: Damn it you ruined everything!
Predator: Look I know you’re mad that you weren’t in brawl, but this is a tad extreme!
Marth and Alien: (burst into laughter)
Predator: What’s so funny? (Sees TV) Oh! Here’s the best part!
Roy: Put me down!
Predator: Dude we have to tell the people outside about this! They will CRACK UP!!!
Roy: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Predator: (Jumps out window) Hey everyone!
All: (laugh hysterically)
Marth: These are awesome got anymore?
Predator: Hell Yeah! (Puts in tape)
Drug dealer: Pleasure doing business with you, sir.
Man: Thanks!
Predator: Excuse me!
Drug dealer: Can I help you, sir?
Predator: Yes, There seems to have been a misunderstanding.
Drug dealer: Really?
Predator: Yeah! You see, I asked for sugar, you gave me crack!
Drug dealer: What are you talking about?
Predator: Look all I want to do is return this so I can get my sugar.
Drug dealer: That is sugar. *winks*
Predator: No, it’s CRACK!!!
Drug dealer (whisper): Shut up dawg! People are listening!
Predator: They are? Well then, Hey everyone!
Drug dealer: Shut up dawg!
Predator: This guy is selling crack and saying that it’s sugar! Don’t believe him!!!
Cop: Alright, sir. You’re under arrest!
Drug dealer: I’ll get you for this cracker!
Predator: That’s what you get for lying, and my name is Predator!!! Hey, a camera! Hi!
All: (Laughing hysterically)
Predator: Hey! I just got promoted to detective today!
Marth: Really? Nice job!
Predator: Yeah! Well, It’s getting late we should go to bed.
Marth: Yeah, probably! So where do I sleep?
Predator: What?
Marth: My apartment is being remodeled, so I’m staying here!
Predator: Well, okay then. You get the couch!
7
Little Pet Shop of Horrors
Predator: Hey! A new pet shop just opened across the street.
Alien: Really? Well, maybe we should go check out the place.
Predator: Okay! Let’s go!
(At the pet shop)
Manager: Hello, how can I help you?
Alien: Well for starters, I want to know why no one is freaked out by us!
Predator: Good question.
Manager: Well, most people have seen a platypus. Not many things are freakier than it.
Alien: What’s a platypus?
Manager: Well, Lucky for you, some platypuses just arrived today. (Holds out platypus)
Alien: WHOA! What is that thing?
Predator: Is it a duck? Is it a beaver? What is it?
Manager: Also, it’s an egg-laying, venomous, aquatic mammal.
Alien and Predator: WHAT?
Alien: Wow! This place is remarkable!
Predator: Is there anyway we could help you out?
Manager: Well we do take animal donations.
Alien: Well, we’ll let you know if we find an animal worth donating! (Leaves)
Predator: Bye! (Leaves)
Alien: Well, that was nice. Now let’s go home and fix the egg problem in the basement.
Predator: Leave that to me!
(At the apartment, in the basement)
Predator: Okay let’s see… what do I do with all these eggs? (Thinks) I know!
(Later)
Marth: Hey Alien! Look at this!
Alien: What is it Marth?
Marth: Something is happening at the pet store!
Predator: (Busts door open) (slams door) *pant* *pant* *pant*
Alien: Predator! Why are out of breath… and covered in blood?
Predator: Uh… No reason!
Alien: Whatever! So, what did you do with the eggs?
Predator: Well…
(Aliens jump out pet shop window)
Aliens: You donated them to the pet shop didn’t you?
Predator: Maybe…
Alien: (Slaps face in frustration) You are so stupid!
Marth: Hey the aliens are standing in a circle!
Predator: (Looks closer with mask)
Alien: What do you see?
Predator: They all seem to be looking at… the platypus!
Marth: Well come on! Let’s go kill them!
Alien: Don’t worry. The curiosity will be too much for them to handle. They’ll die soon.
Marth Oh, Well it all worked out then!
Alien: I guess so.
8
Night at a ninja’s
Predator: Um, Alien, Why is the apartment covered in a huge sheet with gas coming out?
Alien: Well it’s being fumigated because “someone” forgot about egg duty!
Predator: That Marth is so irresponsible!
Alien: I’m talking about YOU, you stupid-- wait a second…
Predator: What?
Alien: Marth is still in there! (Opens door) I’m coming Marth (runs inside)
Predator: Three… two… one…
Alien: (rushes out) *gasp* (Collapses)
Predator: *sigh* Alright! I’ll get him! You wimp! (Goes in)
Seconds later…
Alien: *groan*
Predator: (comes out with Marth) Here we are! (Drops Marth on Alien)
Alien: Ow! Jerk!
Predator: Your welcome!
Marth: Thanks for letting me KNOW the place was being fumigated!
Predator: Yeah Alien!
Alien: *grumble*
Predator: Well now where are we going to live?
Alien: The governor owes me a favor.
Predator: I’d rather be HOMELESS!!!
Alien: Oh come on!
Marth: Yeah! What’s your quarrel with governor Schwarzenegger anyway?
Predator: HE CRUSHED ME WITH A LOG!!!
Alien: Oh you poor thing! I GOT SUCKED INTO THE VACUUM OF SPACE!!!
Predator: I could barely breathe!
Alien: I couldn’t breathe PERIOD!!!
Predator: Whatever! Go live with that tyrant! I’m going elsewhere!
Alien: Fine! Screw you!
(At Naruto’s house)
Predator: So that’s pretty much what’s happening!
Naruto: Ah! Well your welcome to stay here!
Predator: Are you sure your roommates won’t mind?
Naruto: No, they’ll be cool with it!
(Later)
Sakura: So Predator, do you have any hobbies? (Pours tea)
Predator: I Hunt.
Sakura: Oh really? What do you hunt? (Sips tea)
Predator: Oh, Aliens, Monsters, Humans…
Sakura: (Spits out tea) What was that last one?
Predator: Monsters.
Sakura: Oh, anyway, do you have any trophies!
Predator: (holds out skull)
Sakura: What the hell is that?
Predator: A skull. My people treat them as trophies. I’ve got like 1,000 of them at home.
Sakura: (eyes widen) (Jaw drops)
Predator: What?
Naruto: Oh, Predator! You’re such a kidder! *winks*
Pedator: Oh, Yeah I’m just kidding!
Sakura: Oh! Wow you really had me going! (laughs)
Predator: Phew! That was close!
Sakura: What?
Predator: I said uh… Who wants toast? (Holds out toast)
Sakura: Uh…no thanks…
Predator: More for me! (Takes off mask) (Eats toast)
Sakura: *screams*
Predator: What? Is there something on my face?
Sakura: No! It’s--
Predator: Please! My face is nothing compared to a platypus!
Sakura: Really?
Predator: (holds out picture of platypus)
Sakura: *Faints*
Predator: I rest my case, (Puts mask back on) now to admire my claws. (Takes out claws)
Sasuke: (walks in) SAKURA!!!
Predator: Uh… Naruto did it. (Runs away) Woop! Woop! Woop! (Hits wall) OW!
Sasuke: (Looks at Naruto)
Naruto: He showed her a picture of a platypus.
Sasuke: Oh!
(That night)
Predator: Sorry about blaming you for Sakura.
Naruto: No problem. I would’ve done the same thing!
Predator (in thought): You double crossing son of a bitch!
Naruto: Well goodnight!
Predator: Goodnight… Traitor!
Naruto: What?
Predator: *click* *click* *click* *click*
Naruto: Wow! His snore is actually *yawn* soothing. (Falls asleep)
Predator: Sucker!
Sakura: *satisfied grunt* Oh… Sasuke… *snore*
Predator: Humph!
Sakura: Oh god! More Sasuke… Yes…
Predator: *growls*
Sakura: Oh Sasuke…Yes… oh yes… Ah…
Predator: Alright that’s it! (Takes out duct tape)
(The next morning)
Naruto: *yawn* Good morning predator.
Predator: Same to you old pa-- Sweet god!
Naruto: What is it?
Predator: There’s something devouring your head!
Naruto: What?
Predator: I’ll save you! (Grabs Naruto’s nightcap)
Naruto: What the hell?
Predator: Back to hell with thee foul demon! (Shoots nightcap)
Naruto: That was my nightcap.
Predator: You’re welcome! Wait what?
Naruto: Oh well. I’ve got more. (opens drawer)
Predator: Sweet Jesus! It’s a nest!
Naruto: *sigh*
Sakura: Predator!
Predator: Yes?
Sakura: Why was there Duct tape on my mouth when I woke up?
Predator: So I could get some damn shut eye!
Sakura: Why you…
Predator: By the way, you and Sasuke, ONLY in your dreams!
Sakura: *Sniffle* *Sniffle* *whimper* *Cries* (runs away)
Naruto: (Looks at Predator)
Predator: What?
Naruto: Get out! (Points to front door)
(Back at Predator’s apartment)
Predator: Well I had a good time. How about you guys?
Alien: It was alright.
Marth: I thought it was rather interesting.
Predator: Well I don’t think Naruto will be visiting us for a while!
Alien: What did you do? Never mind, I don’t want to know.
9
Meet Ness
*ding dong*
Marth: I’ll get it. (opens door)
Kid: Hi Marth.
Marth: Holy Crap! Ness, is that you?
Ness: Yes it’s me. So how’s Roy?
Predator: He’s in jail!
Ness: Who said that?
Predator: (walks to door) Yo!
Ness: Why is Roy in jail?
Predator: Armed Robbery.
Ness: Well, How about Young Link?
Predator: Took him down this morning!
Ness: Why?
Predator: R.W.I.
Ness: R.W.I.?
Predator: Riding while intoxicated.
Ness: That’s a shame.
Predator: Yep!
Ness: Can I come in?
Predator: Sure.
(Later)
Ness: So yeah with no games for a while I figure I’ll just settle in my apartment for now.
Predator: You’ve got an apartment?
Ness: Hell yeah!
Predator: Do you live with your parents.
Ness: No I live alone.
Predator: Oh, Cool. Do you want a beer?
Ness: Sure!
Marth: Oh, no you don’t!
Predator: What? Why?
Marth: He’s underage!
Predator: So?
Marth: It’s Illegal!
Predator: I’ll let it slide.
Marth: Well I for one am not going to stand idly by while you--
Ness: (Hits Marth in head with bat)
Marth: (falls unconscious)
Predator: THANK YOU!!!
Ness: (Grabs beer) No problem! (Drinks beer)
Predator: Is he going to be alright?
Ness: He’s endured worse!
Predator: He’s bleeding pretty badly there.
Ness: Oh… crap!
Predator: Well, better finish the job. (Takes out Vile of dissolving fluid)
Marth: (wakes up) *groan* My head!
Ness: Told you!
Predator: Aw!
Marth: Remind me to--
Ness: Never piss me off right?
Marth: No, to kick your ass!
Predator: You do realize you’re bleeding right?
Marth: I AM? (Looks at floor) *Screams*
Alien: *sigh* I’ll call the hospital.
(at the hospital)
Doctor: Well Marth, the good news is you’ll be just fine.
Marth: And the bad news?
Doctor: You’ll need to stay here a week.
Marth: Crap.
(Meanwhile)
Predator: Hey bartender!
Bartender: Yes?
Predator: Sasuke?
Sasuke: Yes it’s me!
Predator: You’re a bartender? *laughs*
Ness: Ouch!
Sasuke: Just shut up and order your drinks!
Predator: Okay… Bartender! *Laughs*
Sasuke: *growl*
Predator: Two beers please.
Sasuke: coming up. (Pours Mugs)
Ness: So what’s Sakura doing?
Sasuke: She’s… a police officer.
Predator: NO FREAKING WAY!
Sasuke: Yep! Go figure!
Predator: I wonder how she looks in uniform.
Sasuke: Your about to find out! Here she comes!
Sakura: (Enters bar) Hi Sasuke!
Sasuke: Hey Sakura!
Ness: Wow!
Sakura: (Sees Ness) Is that a beer bottle in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Ness: Well actually… (Pulls out bat) it’s my bat.
Sakura: Wait, aren’t you a little young to be drinking?
Ness: If you don’t want to end up in the E.R. you’ll get off my back!
Predator: He’s not kidding!
Sakura: Alright kid you’re under arrest!
Predator: Actually I’m allowing this! (Holds out badge)
Sakura: What? You can’t do that!
Predator: Yes I can, because I’m bigger than you!
Sakura: You got lucky kid! (Leaves bar)
Ness: Dude! (Looks at Predator) You and I are going to be great friends.
10
From Ino to Xeno
Predator: So then I say “Get down on the ground!”
Ness: Yeah…
Predator: Then he’s like “screw you!”
Ness: And then…
Predator: Then I punched him in the face!
Ness: *Laughs* Nice!
*ding dong*
Predator: I’ll get it! (Opens door) Alien! It’s for you!
Alien: Alright! I’m coming! Hi Ino, thanks for coming!
Ino: No problem!
Alien: Come on, I’ll give you a tour!
Ino: Thanks.
Ness: My god! She’s hot!
Predator: Kid? *snap* *snap* *snap* Yep! He’s been petrified by hotness!
Marth: Whatever that means!
Predator: Where did you come from?
(elsewhere)
Alien: And this is my room! As you can see it’s covered in slime!
Ino: I noticed.
(Flashes to Predator’s room)
Alien: Here we have Predator’s room! Best not too touch anything especially the skulls.
Ino: Really? (Pokes skull) touch!
Predator: (Busts in) *ROAR* (tackles Ino) Touch my skulls again! Do it!
Ino: Can’t… breathe…
Predator: Yeah! That’s what I thought. (Leaves)
Ino: *Gasp* *pant* *pant* *pant*
Alien: Okay you had that coming!
Ino: Yeah! I guess so!
(Flashes to main room)
Alien: So anyway that’s pretty much all there is to see!
Ino: What about this room?
Alien: NO! NOT THE--
Ino: (opens door)
Facehugger: (Clings to Ino)
Ino: (Falls unconscious)
Alien: Basement.
Predator: Hey have you seen my-- (Sees Ino) Ooh! Tough break!
Alien: Can’t you get it off?
Predator: I’ll try.
(15 minutes later)
Predator: Well it’s off!
Alien: Thank god!
Predator: Oh, Sure! Thank God for what I did, because it was totally him who did it!
Alien: Calm down! It was a figure of speech!
Predator: You’re a figure of speech!
Alien: Real mature comeback!
Predator: Yeah, well… Your momma!
Alien: Oh HELL no!
Predator: Oh hell yes!
Alien: Oh it’s on! *hiss* (sticks out second mouth)
Predator: Bring it on bitch! *roar* (Takes out claws) (Takes out shoulder cannon)
Alien: Oh, that’s just plain not fair!
Predator: What now bitch? What now?
Alien: (Stabs shoulder cannon)
Predator: Hey! No fair!
Alien: Oh, that’s coming the one who’s COVERED IN WEAPONS!!!
Predator: Oh yeah. (Takes out javelin)
Alien: Oh what the hell?
Predator: (charges at Alien) Take this you--
Ness: Ino is awake!
Predator: Alright! Let’s go see her!
Alien: So Ino, how do you feel?
Ino: I’ve got a slight headache and sore throat, but I’m okay!
Alien: Thank God! I mean Predator!
Predator: See? That wasn’t too hard now was it?
Ness: But I know what is hard!
Marth: Ness!
Ness: What? I was going to say Earthbound!
Ino: *groan* *pant* *pant* *groan*
Ness: Was it something I said?
Ino: *groan* *screams* (goes into convulsions) (chest bulges)
Alien: I thought you said you got the facehugger off!
Predator: What? I never said that! It just fell off eventually!
Alien: Then that means…
Ino: *screams*
Chestburter: (erupts Ino’s chest) *sreech*
Ness: P.K. Mind swap!
(Blue aura surrounds and enters Chestburster)
Chestburster: *screech* (Slithers away)
Alien: What was that?
Ness: I put Ino’s mind into that thing!
Alien: Quick thinking! I didn’t know you could do that!
Predator: We can NOT tell Naruto!
Marth: Oh, I’m sure he’ll understand!
Alien: I’ll find Ino! You, Predator, tell Naruto what happened!
Predator: Aw!
Marth: I’ll go with you. You might need protection.
(At Naruto’s)
Naruto: Predator? What are you doing here?
Predator: Umm… It’s about Ino.
Naruto: Ino? What about her?
Predator: Well… She’s… been turned in to an alien.
Naruto: WHAT?
Predator: Hey! She stuck her nose where it didn’t belong!
Naruto: (goes Super Kyubi) Change… her… back!
Predator: Well it’s not that simple!
Naruto: Rasengan!
Predator: OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! I’ll see what I can do!
Naruto: You’d better! Because if you don’t, your skulls pay the price!
Predator: *gulp*
(meanwhile)
Alien: Ino! It’s me Alien!
Ino: *sob* *sob*
Alien: Ino?
Ino: Don’t look at me I’m hideous! A monster! A freak of nature! *sob*
Alien: I resent that!
Ino: Sorry! *sniffle* I forgot!
Alien: Listen, Ness and Predator are repairing your body so you can be human again!
Ino: *sniffle* R-really?
Alien: Yes, don’t ask how though!
Ino: Good!
Alien: It’s going to be a while so you better get used being a xenomorph for now.
Ino: *sigh* You’re right!
Alien: Don’t worry I’ll help you through it.
Ino: Thanks.
Alien: Okay, we better get started this is starting to sound like we’re falling in love.
Predator: It’s ready!
Alien: Wow! That was quick! Well thank god this is over!
Predator: HEY!!!
11
Goodbye sweet prince
Marth: Guys! Good news!
Predator: You’re coming out of the closet?
Marth: They’re done remodeling my apartment!
Alien: Great! Well I guess this means you’ll be leaving us!
Marth: Yep! Guess so!
Predator: THANK YOU GOD!!!
Alien: I look forward to visiting you!
Marth Yeah, about that…
Alien: What’s wrong?
Marth: I… I got a callback from Nintendo!
Alien: And…
Marth: I’ve been asked to star in Fire Emblem DS!
Alien: Great!
Predator: Just what the DS needs… more garbage!
Marth: So I’m going back to Japan to work on the game!
Alien: Oh… I get it. So I guess this is goodbye for a while!
Predator: REALLY? OH MY GOD YES! THANKYOU!!!
Marth: My flight leaves tomorrow. So I just wanted to say… goodbye dear friend!
Ness: You do know that Fire Emblem DS Is just a remake of the original right?
Marth: Oh… Well… this is awkward…
Predator: *groan*
Alien: So does this mean you’ll still visit?
Marth: Oh sure! I better get a refund on this plane ticket!
Alien: Good Idea!
Predator: Why Ness? Why?
Ness: You may not like him, but Marth is still my friend.
Predator: You wanted to piss me off right?
Ness: Bingo! Now let’s get drunk!
Predator: One step ahead of you old friend!
Ness: Good Job!
Alien: Well now that they’re gone, let’s check out your place!
Marth: Okay!
(At Marth’s apartment)
Alien: Nice!
Marth: Yeah! It’s amazing what you can buy when you’re royalty!
Alien: I’ll say!
Marth: So anyway here’s the Giant Plasma screen H.D. TV.
Alien: Damn!
Marth: And below it we have my Nintendo Wii!
Alien: Sweet!
Marth: And here’s my Jacuzzi!
Alien: You are loaded!
Marth: Yeah! Come on I’ll show you the bedroom.
Alien: I can’t wait to see this!
(at the bedroom)
Marth: So… what do you think?
Alien: It’s… Amazing!!!
Marth: Really? You don’t think that the statues of me are too much?
Alien: They make you look like a GOD!!!
Marth: Thanks!
Alien: What’s that?
Marth: That’s my bed.
Alien: THAT’S your bed? It’s huge! And it’s got your face all over it!
Marth: Yeah! It’s pretty awesome!
(Meanwhile)
Predator: Sasuke! 2 more beers!
Sasuke: (Gives beer)
Ness: You seem happy!
Predator: Well Fulgore did just give me a raise!
Ness: Alright Predator! Wait Fulgore?
Predator: Yeah! He’s the Chief!
Ness: But isn’t he evil?
Predator: He used too be. (Sips beer)
Ness: What happened?
Predator: Some kid went up to him and said “stop being evil!” so he did!
Ness: Wow Really? (Sips beer)
Predator: Yep! (Sips Beer) *sigh* Go figure!
Ness: Check it out! Sakura’s coming!
Sakura: Hey guys! What’s going on?
Predator: Marth’s leaving!!!
Sakura: L-leaving? You mean just to another apartment right?
Predator: Sadly yes.
Sakura: Oh, thank god!
Predator: Why? What’s that supposed to mean?
Sakura: Uh… no reason!
Ness: You think he’s hot. Don’t deny it, I’m psychic!
Sakura: How could I not? He’s so in touch with his feminine side!
Predator: How?
Sakura: He wears a tiara!
Predator: That explains it! *cough* Gay!
Sakura: And that hair… Oh my god it makes him look so handsome!
Ness: It makes him look gay!
Sakura: And that physique! Oh he is just so hot!
Predator: Ness how’d you fit a bottle of Champaign in your pocket?
Ness: This isn’t Champaign, (pulls out bottle) it is sparkling wine!
Predator: They’re the same thing! But that still doesn’t explain how it fits in your pocket.
Sakura: Speaking of Marth where is that stud muffin?
(Back with Marth and Alien)
Marth: Cannon ball! (Jumps into pool) Isn’t this great Alien? Alien? Hello?
Alien: (Leaps from water) *screech*
Matrh: Oh dear God!
Alien: *laughs* Oh that was fun!
Marth: You jerk! (Splashes Alien)
Alien: Race you to the other side!
Marth: You’re on! Ready…
Alien: Set…
Ike: Hey guys!
Marth: Ike! Looking good!
Alien: “Nice” Speedo!
Ike: Thanks! What’s your name?
Alien: Alien! Now come in the water’s great!
Marth: Oh, it gets better! (Claps twice)
(Waves form in pool)
Alien: A wave pool! Dude!
Marth: Hey Ike! Do you Signature Dive!
Ike: Okay! Alien stand here!
Alien: Okay now what?
Ike: (throws alien into the air) (starts attacking alien) GREAT…
Alien: *screams in pain*
Ike: AETHER!!! (Crashes Into water) How was that Alien?
Alien: (floats to surface) *gasp* You did all that with a wet noodle?
Ike: That’s what she said!
Marth: Nice! (High fives Ike)
12
Chasing Chasers
Predator: Sasuke! Two beers now!
Sasuke: (hands mugs to Predator and Ness) Here you go!
Ness: (Sips beer) So how’s life as a cop Predator?
Predator: It’s cool. (Sips beer) But it does get tough sometimes.
Sakura: I’ll say.
Marth: (walks in) Hey Sasuke!
Sasuke: Hi Marth, red wine correct?
Marth: Yes!
Predator: Wuss!
Marth: *beep* you! (Sips wine)
Sakura: *blushes* Such a man!
Marth: Oh, hi Sakura!
Sakura: Uh… (Sips drink) What are you doing here?
Marth: Well I just moved into my new apartment so I’m celebrating!
Sakura: Oh, Good for you! (Sips drink)
Marth: So is that white wine you’re drinking?
Sakura: Oh, yes!
Ness: I think I know where this is going! *Winks* (Nudges Predator)
Sakura: (Punches Ness) Shut up prick! Sorry about that.
Marth: Don’t worry. That’s just what Ness is like. He’s a good kid
Sakura in thought: Wow! He’s so tolerant!
Marth: So anyways I’d best get going see you! (Blows kiss)
Sakura: *faints*
Predator: Light weight! (Sips beer)
5 hours later
Sakura: *wakes up* *groan*
Alien: Are you alright?
Sakura: Fine!
Alien: Are you sure?
Sakura: Yeah!
Alien: Here let me help you up. (Pulls up Sakura)
Sakura: Thanks!
Alien: What happened anyway?
Sakura: I fell in love!
Alien: Well you definitely fell that’s for sure!
Sakura: *giggles*
Alien: So I’m going to guess you’re referring to my good friend Marth.
Sakura: Actually yes! *blushes*
Alien: I’m Alien.
Sakura: Haruno, Sakura Haruno.
Alien: Come on let’s get you home!
(meanwhile)
Predator and Ness: Lola! L-L-L-L-Lola! L-L-L-L-Lola!
DJ: Thank you! Ness and Predator! Let’s hear it!
(Applause)
Ino: Great Job guys!
Ness: Thanks! Predator, you are a genius! Karaoke night… brilliant!
Man: And up next, it’s Ino Yamanka with I Will Survive!
Ino: That’s my queue! (Runs on stage) At first I was afraid, I was petrified!
Ness: She looks SO hot in that light!
Predator: Dude her singing is great!
Ness: That’s not the only thing great about her!
Predator: You perverted little bastard!
Ness: I was talking about her personality!
Predator: Oh!
Ino: Oh no! Not I! I will survive!
Later
Ness: That was WILD!
Ino: Yeah!
Ness: Well see you tomorrow guys.
Ino: See you Ness! Oh, hey can I crash at one of your places! Mine’s being fumigated.
Ness: Sure you can sleep with me!
Ino: WHAT?
Ness: Err… At my place… O-On a different bed… Alone! Wow that was awkward!
Predator: I’ll say!
Ness: So anyway how about it?
Ino: Sure!
Predator: Goodnight guys!
The Next Day
Ness: (Rings Predator’s doorbell)
Alien: (opens door) Ness RUN!!!
Ness: Why?
Alien: Predator has a hangover, and we’re out of chasers!!!
Ness: So? How bad could that be?
Predator: *ROAR* (Plows down front door) (runs away)
Ness: Damn!
Alien: We are so screwed!!!
Predator: CHASER!!! I NEED A CHASER!!! (Blows up car) (Runs to bar)
Ness: Wow!
Predator: SASUKE! CHASERS! NOW!
Sasuke: Sorry! I’m all out!
Predator: *roars*
Sasuke: Look they have chasers at the drug store!
Predator: CHASERS!!! (Jumps out window) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Ness: Predator definitely came through here, and is now headed for the drug store!
Cashier: Thank you! Come again!
Ness: I need a steel bat now!
Cashier: Excuse me?
Ness: You know a steel bat!
Cashier: Kid, this is a drug store!
Ness: I know now give me a freaking bat!
Cashier: We don’t HAVE any bats!
Ness: Some drug store you are!
Predator: I’ll say! These Chasers are horrible tasting!
Cashier: Those are Anti-de--
Ness: (eyes widen) P.K. Fire!
Cashier: *scream of anguish* It BURNS!!!
Predator: Lousy service!
Ness: Oh Yeah!
13
Predator’s spare time
Fulgore: Sakura! Predator! Shift’s over!
Sakura: Bye sir!
Predator: *Groan* Well I guess I’ll hit the bar!
(At the bar)
Ness: Hey Predator!
Predator: Ness! Ino! How are you?
Ino: Fine! (Sips drink)
Predator: And you Ness?
Ness: Okay!
Predator: So (sits down) what’s tonight’s plan?
Ino: Square dancing!
Predator: Bye!
Ness: She’s kidding!
Ino: Yeah!
Predator: Oh, thank God!
Ness: We’re not sure what the plan is.
Predator: Let’s see it Thursday *Snaps fingers* so…Shoot the crap out of stuff night!
Ness: YES!!!
Ino: Sweet! My second time with a gun!
15 minutes later…
Ness: Say hello to my little friend! The SUPER SCOPE!!! (Shoots Tree)
Predator: Wow! Look at all the animals falling out!
Ino: My turn! (Grabs Spartan Laser)
Ness: Where’d you get THAT?
Ino: Let’s just say I have my ways!
Ness: You swiped that from Master Chief didn’t you?
Ino: Maybe…
Ness: Alright let’s see what that baby can do! Shoot me!
Ino: What?
Ness: Do it!
Ino: *sigh* Alright! (Aims at Ness) Nice knowing you kid!
Predator: Not it for cleaning him up!
Ino: Oh, the wolves will take care of that! (Charges laser)
Predator: There are wolves out here?
Ino: (Shoots Gun)
(Smoke clears)
Ino: Holy *beep*
Ness: Aw! HELL Yeah!
Predator: Dude! Your Freaking Ripped! The Governor’s got nothing on you!
Ino: How’d you DO that?
Ness: Absorb Shield!!!
Predator: Alright my turn! (Locks on plane) Take this duck!
Ness: Wait Predator I that’s an--
Predator: (Fire’s Shoulder cannon)
(Plane goes down and crashes into small town and explodes)
All: (Jaw drops)
Predator: Ino! What the *beep* man?
Ness: Seriously!
Ino: I didn’t mean to!
Ness: Whatever! Let’s just go! Go! Go!
All: (runs away)
The next day…
TV Reporter: In other news the culprit behind the plane crash last night has been found!
Predator: Ino you are so going to get it now!
TV Reporter: The culprit was identified to be Chief Fulgore of the HPD!
All: What?
TV Reporter: The governor had this to say after questioning!
Arnold: Though he disgraced our beloved state with his actions it could not be helped.
Predator: *Screams* (hides behind couch)
Ino: What’s with him?
Ness: You saw his movie!
Arnold: His Ultratech programming took over his senses and he lost control.
Reporter: But Mr. Governor, how can you sympathize with him over this?
Arnold: His Primary Mission was to terminate his target no matter what!
Reporter: Again, how can you sympathize with him over this?
Arnold: Didn’t you see the Terminator?
Reporter: No!
Arnold: Arrest that man!
Ness: (Turns off TV)
Predator: Is he gone?
Ness: Yes he’s gone!
Predator: Good! That was scary!
Ness: Well Ino, look’s like you dodged the bullet!
Ino: Well now there’s only one question left.
Predator: Which is?
Ino: What happened when YOU shot at the plane?
Predator: Me?
Ness: Predator let’s face it! You did it and you know it!
Predator: Yeah!
Ness: As for Ino’s question all I can say is who cares?
Ino: Amen to that!
14
Home Away From Home Alone
Alien: Bye Ness! Make sure you take care of the place while we’re gone!
Ness: Okay!
Predator: I love when he says that!
Alien: He loves to say it.
Ness: *sigh* (Turns on TV)
Reporter: In other news, the Horror Mafia is still at large!
Ness: Ooh! This sounds interesting!
Reporter: It probably is!
Ness: What?
Reporter: As far as we know the Horror Mafia consists of these members.
Ness: (Turns up volume)
Reporter: Jason Voorhees, Freddy Kruger, Michael Myers and Leatherface.
Ness: No surprises there!
Reporter: No surprises Indeed!
Ness: Huh?
Reporter: Although there leader still has yet to be identified, He sent this video.
Leader: We are the Horror Mafia! We are a force sent from Hell!
Ness: Oh, Come on! it’s freaking Pinhead! The silhouette hides nothing!
Elsewhere…
Freddy: Sir! You better have a look at this! (Plays video of Ness)
Pinhead: Damn it! I told you I was too obvious!
Freddy: Hey! It was the best we could do in such short notice!
Pinhead: Whatever! Just find the kid and kill him!
Freddy: Don’t you mean whack him?
Pinhead: Why the hell would I want to whack him? I want him dead not hurt!
Hannibal: Actually sir, “Whack” Is a mob term for Kill!
Pinhead: Well how am I supposed to know that? Whatever! Just kill him!
Freddy: Yes sir! (Leaves)
Pinhead: *sigh* Idiot!
(Back with Ness)
*ring* *ring*
Ness: Hello?
Freddy: Were watching you Ness!
Ness: What? How?
Freddy: Look to your left!
Ness: (looks) How long has that camera been there?
Freddy: Pretty much through out the whole story!
Ness: And I never noticed?
Freddy: It’s cleverly hidden!
Ness: It’s on a huge stand next to the sofa! How is that clever?
Freddy: More like how clever is that?
Ness: Do you realize that I’m not in the least bit scared and can easily trace this call?
Freddy: Yeah, well… *Grunt* (hangs up)
*ding dong*
Ness: (walks to door) Let’s see judging from the buzzing I’m guessing Leatherface.
Leatherface: *Grunt*
Ness: (opens door) Yep!
Leatherface: (Lifts up chainsaw) *Insane Laughter*
Ness: (Hits Leatherface in balls with Bat)
Leatherface: (Eyes widen) (drops chainsaw) *grunt* (Passes out)
Ness: (Teleports Leatherface back) Too easy!
(The next day)
*ding dong*
(Friday the 13th music plays)
Ness: Could he be anymore obvious?
*ding dong*
Ness: Let’s see knowing Jason he soaked with lake water so… Got it!
*ding dong*
Ness: (Opens door) PK Thunder! (Shocks the crap out of Jason) (Teleports Jason)
The next day…
*ding dong*
Ness: *sigh* (answers door) Michael.
Michael: (Swings Knife Randomly)
Ness: (Bats Michael in shin)
Michael: (Falls down)
Ness: (Grabs Michael’s Knife) I’ll take that! (Closes door)
(That night)
Ness: Okay, so I’m asleep, I already beat up the 3 of Pinheads goons so…
Freddy: 1…2… Freddy’s coming for you!
Ness: Just as I expected.
Freddy: 3…4… Better lock your door! 5… 6… Grab your Crucifix!
Ness: You almost done?
Freddy: Shut up! 7… 8… Going to stay up late!
Ness: *sigh*
Freddy: 9… 10… (Appears From dark vortex) Freddy’s back again!!!
Ness: (Claps hands) Bravo Kruger! Bravo!
Freddy: Thanks!
Ness: I thought your performance was unbelievable!
Freddy: Well I try.
Ness: I thought you were so unbelievable that… (closes eyes)
Freddy: Where are you going with this kid?
Ness: I don’t believe in you!
Freddy: Say again?
Ness: I don’t believe in you! I don’t believe in you! I don’t believe in you!
Freddy: Well I’ll make you believe bitch! (Swipes at Ness) (Claws break) Huh?
Ness: I don’t believe in you! I don’t believe in you! I don’t believe in you!
Freddy: No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (Disappears)
(That morning)
Alien: Ness we’re home! Anything happen while we were gone!
Ness: Nothing to unusual.
End of part 1